Rhod Gilbert's Best Bits 2011-11-05

Source: http://www.bbc.co.uk/podcasts/series/rhod rhod_20111105-1647a.mp3

This is a podcast from BBC Radio Wales. To find out more, go to bbc.co.uk/radiowales.

If you are listening to this, you are listening to Rhod Gilbert's Best Bits, some of the best bits of my Saturday morning radio show, live on BBC Radio Wales. This week, I'm in the studio in Cardiff, my special guest is B__ A__ / joined / Goldie Lookin Chain

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"Hey, Rhod and Eggsy," J__ from China / No. / Huh. / That's good. / What are you doing in China? / That's good. That's not just a weekend. That's not a city break, is it? (for example, Paris Stockholm, Amsterdam a couple of hours away) / what are you doing / what are you doing? / yeah, that's not a feature / yeah / what are you doing? / I love that / I wish they had the money to make it / I've got / two more features for you today / OK, yeah / right, uh, three more / Can I make up, like, little idents for them? Like, for example, " What are you doing?" / OK, yeah, that's one. Can we record what__ Eggsy's saying so that when he's not here we can, uh, / use / you can just press the button / press the button / Yeah. / brilliant / that's / surprise / this is almost professional. / Yeah. Um ... OK. Do you know ... do you remember ... oh, I've got another feature, uh, five features. / Oh, good, this is, ... this is a good show / __ the last one / go on / for / too many __ __ for a minute / Do you remember, a couple of weeks ago, a little while ago, a monk got in touch with the show, / Yes. / in somewhere in India / Yes, yes. / uh ... and it was a monk, and he said he listens to the podcast, and that raised all sorts of questions, me and Corky were wondering how can he listen to the podcast, isn't he supposed to be maditating / yeah / is he allowed / sending an email / email / break / the vow of silence / exactly / all these questions / monk / all last week / discussing / what would you call a group of monks / We did? / we spent all last week, yeah yeah yeah. / we spend the entire show discussing what you call / collective noun of monks / it's being going on and on for ages. this is great. / Yeah. / It's great. / yeah / it's back again / Hey, a feature: Monkey Business / Oh. / Hey, look at that. / I think he might find that offensive. / Oh, yeah. Sorry, sorry, OK, yeah. / Yeah. we'll think of another feature name in a minute. / OK, yeah. / If anyone can __ ... well, we have got a sort of feature name. He's sort of given us one. / OK, yeah, yeah / Right? / Uh, his name, uh, do you remember his name? / Nuh ... Prashee, or something like that? / you've got a memory of some king of, like a memory elephant. / It's not bad, is it? / we all know what good memory a memory elephant has / that's fantastic, yeah, they are fantastic. / A normal elephant's got pretty good memory, but a memory elephant ... / Oh, they're the best. / Mind-blowing. / Oh, they can remember stuff that we ... / you've got a memory like a memory elephant / It's all right, isn't it? / I would never ... I don't even remember ... to be honest, if I haven't seen the email and you had said, "Do you remember / monks last week / I would have / you would have just stared at the floor. / I don't remember anything. / dreadful memory. / I got the other way. I remember stuff you don't need to remember. That's the problem / see if you could remember his name __ just for me now / It was Prashe. Was that Prashe? Is that right? It sounded / No, "Yashe". / yes, that's it, yes / Yashe, yes / it was Yashe / I'm saying it / relatives in Wales / He / relatives in Wales / relatives in Wales / and he listened to us on the podcast, / Yeah, I said that. / and, yeah, there's something else about him / Do you know ... do you remember his sir name? This will be ... you would be one of the most impressive memory elephants I've even seen. / Uh ... / Come on, the Memory Elephant / hang on a minute. This is like, this is like one of these / psychic, innit? / I can feel, yes, I can feel strongly, he's a monk, yes, and, Yashe, Yashe ... / I'll tell you. / OK. / You are not gonna get it / Yeah, I'm not gonna get it, yeah. / Ragbye. / Ragbye, OK. / Or __, __, _, ... / it's a difficult one to say / RAGBYE. / OK. Right. / Yashe Ragbye / Right? He's in India. / Yes. / Um, "Another great podcast" he says, "You do make me laugh", he says. / That's good. / Um ... "In last week's ..." ... and this is where he put in inverted commas / might turn into a feature / ... "In last week's "Ask a Monk" / put / inverted commas / like / proper feature. "Ask a Monk" / Yeah, exactly ... / wasn't very good / do that again / that wasn't a very good jingle thing / OK. "Ask a Monk!!!" / It's too similar to what you were doing / OK. Hang on / should there be more fun / more fun, like, a bit threatening / OK. Here we go ... "Ask a Monk". / That's much better. / That's better, a bit of Paul Daniel / you know / The first one was just aggressive / "Ask a Monk !!!" / yeah / yeah / like somebody's waken you up in the middle of night and gone, uh, "Eggsy, do you know what time it is?" / "Ask a monk!" / show __ the door to the monk / just go and ask him / "Go and ask a monk!" / yeah / Yeah, too aggressive. / Oh, dear. / this one was good, though. Do it again. / Ask a Monk. / That's it. Perfect. We're gonna tape all these after. / lovely / In last week's "Ask a Monk", he said, "You were wondering why we go on retreat ..." / whole life is already a retreat / Exactly, Yeah. / Why would you / on retreat / he's got to commute every day on the train or something / he's not / anything, monks / No. Famously. / Yeah. ... They might make wine. / Yeah. / Might. / Well, yeah. Apart from that. "In last week ..." or honey probably. "In last week's Ask a Monk, you were wondering why we go on retreat if we are already in a monastery. / Yes. / Well, here we go. "In the monastery, we have to do classes." / Right. / and he __n't say__ what kind of classes. / my next "Ask a Monk" question / "... and some monks also have duties such as cooking or cleaning" / Right. / So, presumably / cooking monk or a clearing monk / Right, OK, yeah / Um, "So we go on retreat so that we can meditate all day." / Right, OK, OK. / __ there's no duties. / So... what about / hungry at the end of it? / Yeah. Who does the ... / Yeah. Who does the cleaning and cooking? / unless / maybe they take, like, uh ... / shifts / Butler monk / Yeah, butler monk. / might take / That's a good idea. / so, we go on retreat / meditation all day." Yeah, I don't know ... who does the dishes and cleaning / I don't know / everything __ get__ dusty / Look at this: "We can do a week's retreat, one week, ... / Right. / ... up to ... / Yeah. / guess what the maximum retreaters. ... You won't get it, so I will tell you. / Yeah. / Three years, three months and three weeks. / Three years !? / Yeah. / That's, that's, ... that's crazy. / It looks like it. __ __ could do / weeks of retreat / up to three / would you like to spend ..." This is where he's asking me a question / "Would you like to spend three years not talking or seeing anyone? / Wow. / I think not.", he says. Wha, you, you chose the life of being a monk! / Yeah, come on / having a go at us / Don't start getting ... you know / That's unbelievable / Don't get bitter now, you know / unbelievable / monks having a pop (sound from a gun) at us. / would you like to spend three years not talking / Listen, you design your own life, monks. / Yeah. And he's just winding me up now (make someone angry on purpose) / Don't be a monk and then go complaining about it! / That's shocking. / That's like having a vicar going "Hey, how would you like to have to get up on a Sunday, first thing in the morning after ... / have__ people singing, / have people singing at you, standing up pulping, after making some speech up / Oh, shocking / Just don't be a monk if you don't wanna be a monk, man. / No, no. / Huh? / whatever you do. / I think it sounds lovely, but, you know, what's he doing / "Would you like to spend three years not talking or seeing anyone / sometimes I would, actually / Yeah, it'd be quite nice / a bit of __ __ / As long as I can watch Antiques Roadshow on a Sunday / Are you allowed to watch Antiques Roadshow? / This is a question we need to "Ask a Monk" / Ask the ... go on, do it again. / "Ask a Monk!" / Are you allowed to watch Antiques Roadshow on a Sunday? / There we go. / let's jot down the questions we've got so far / "Ask a Monk" feature / anyone's got any question for a monk / monk, get in touch. "Ask a Monk" / Antiques Roadshow on a Sunday / that's the first question. / Yes. / Uh ... who cooks and cleans when they are on retreat? / Yes. / and, why you are a monk if you are so unhappy about it? / Exactly. You know, he could become a gas-fitter. / He could, exactly. / he could have spoken to loads of people / he could be Corgi-registered by now, if he had put his mind to it / Exactly.

last / week / said / discussing / what's collective noun for monks / we didn't find out / answer to that / tell you. / Yashe R__ / Yeah, exactly. / come / no idea / he's come back to us. "I have not idea / part / see / look around you. What do you see? What do you see, R__ Y__ ? / call them? / discuss / what are they? / what is it? / "flange" until / come on, get a grip / called / as we don't wear trousers / What kind of monk are you? / cold for god's sake. / he's a bottomless monk / oh, my god / coffee shop / wear trousers / of course they don't wear trousers / little surplus of hair / bottomless / shocking, you know / as long as he's all right in the winter. / "Maybe we are a flock of monks / look at / flock / next podcast. I'm a bit disappointed, though / ask a monk / group / flock of monks / need to / by the end of today. / Yeah. / on podcast / somebody / so far / maybe there / other monks / there's got to be at least one other monk, uh, listening.

Do you know what I love about the paper / yeah / Daily Miller / other / are available / this / halfway through / they always do it. They / letters page, right? / OK, yeah, yeah / look at this: "Please could you print a picture / John / what / has the Internet not happened? / right back to the 70's. Whoever wrote that, / probably smoking heavily when / look / generation / hottest thing on the planet. And, even now, / much younger / money / have / internet caf / quick peek at Olivia Newton John", What would you do, either going to an Internet caf, or / write / please / wait / Olivia / number / be fantastic, yeah, 50ps a week / "Has anyone got a picture ..." Unbelievable / internet / that's just / please / how about / it's like / of you / "Dear Barry, / please, please, / could you show me a picture of / here's another character / yeah / let's call / Daily Miller Thursday / so much he had a / map of the City / tatooed on his chest / what is wrong with people? / that's, that's, that's ... / say / interesting / this / more interesting / but this is more interesting / this caught my eyes / Thursday's / This is quite complicated. / OK. / only / before Christmas / you will, too. / OK. / Right? / " ... no matter how hard you try", says, uh ... an article / a study of h__ / ok / at Aberdeen University ... has revealed / changes in a part of / brain / apetite / means there is no escape from putting / Christmas / how / christmas is coming / that's ... that is the most rubbish research any student / just / that is rubbish / basically / that's ... how / they know / do they know / even know / Easter was, let alone Christmas / song / about? H__? / do / people / almost the same sort of thing / do they know it's Christmas / applies just as much to hamsters, I think, that song. / it's very relevant / money / Christmas time / how did hamsters know it's christmas? / they / cat / Really? / I think / do you get / tree / christmas / in the house? / mean / proper / real Christmas tree / always a lot of fun / allowed in the room / Christmas / right up / parents' / I think he knows it's christmas / my mother always wraps up christmas, uh, what do you call it? / the present? / 20 years old / that's nice / gonna get / I like that / every single time / not even / decent / normal stuff / pretend to be surprised / every year / look what / open it / just / open / ours until / sometimes it's almost the next day / know what / right / gets worse as you get older / better / it's brilliant / every year, just / in the morning / least bit of fun / rip / paper off / my parents / after dinner / we can't be bothered / nobody could be bothered / come on / obviously / best room / yeah / in the posh room / posh room, yes, yes / that's true, yes / every single year / same thing, nothing special / usual / same / put a little label on it / name on it / really, what __ should do is / smear a little bit of / paper / interested / never thought of that / no point / exactly. But / how / h__ / know it's Christmas / how / study of h__ / Aberdeen University has revealed / control / no escape in it / how / start eating more around christmas / hang on / little tins of chocolate or something / all down to / metabolism / know / particularly. It's just / Christmas / happens / chocolates everywhere / eat more / that's what it is / that makes sense / I think / have you got pets? / Uh ... I had ... / a cat / several cats over the years / Have you? / never really given them / Christmas presents

"Hi, Rhod. large group of monks / sect / yes / collective name / look / sect of monks / group / in Melborne, Australia / refreshing change / professional DJ / back-handed compliment / only joking / they are as bad as you / Oh, thanks / dry wits / really / Hi, Rhod and E__ / this is from Daisy / told / it's "a cloister of monks" / do you know what? / that's rung the bell / bell / shower of monks / probably / about / c___, to me / it ... it just sounds right / Does it? / I think / still / need / Ask a Monk feature / Do your jingle. / "Ask a Monk" / the monk in India / already / How can you be a monk and not know / saying / it's shocking / that would be pretty shocking / "Hello, Rhod and E___. Looking at ___ Island website / people / hand / this is good / they / community of monks / yeah, I know / anyone / community / on / communinty of monks, but that is not the collective noun for monks, is it? / no / whatever it is / don't want non-monks to know / do / don't tell people what / brother A__ / whatever you do / never / never tell anyone / maybe that's what it is / monk / collective noun for monks / Exactly / maybe that's what it is / a vow of silence / p_ise / This is it.

hi / think / this could be all right / group of monks / brotherhood / is it? / c__ is good. Brotherhood is / we need to get, um, / some sort of __board / change / still don't know / joke / brotherhood's up / nice / great show. / Hey, Rhod, can you please say hello / sewing all day / metaphor / just drinking / loving the show / Emily and T__my / job done / sewing all day / probably / make out __ really poor / all over them / little fire place called / probably / I had a weird dream last night / cut off the bottom of my trousers / last / just the hem / really. I went ... I went / dinner / year / lovely couple, friends of ours / fish pie / Oh, nice. / is it a pie, because it / potato on the top / fish pie, with no crust / top / are they pies? / week / whole show / anyway. Anyway. Fish pie. / Huh huh / wine / lovely / right / nice / all, you know / evening / lovely / it was a very clear sky last night / no / controversy / dinner / everybody / chatting and catching up / jovi_l / atomosphere / I went home, / Huh huh. / laid down / had a dream / fish pie, right, good friend / him / cut off / no / So, he just ... / Do you know what he said? / hem / know / important part / It is an important bit / yeah / go / ... ruggedy otherwise. / he just took a scissors / what, what ... / nasty / trying to remember / exact words / cut them off / he said "I just find really irritating that the bottom of your jeans look really good.

look at the paper of this week / dinner / last / selling / last week / ready-to-cook squrrels. / No. / grey squirrels is the ultimate environmentally sustainable meat / very local / free / sure / bit / go on, then / profits will go towards / native s__ / seems harsh / That's weird, that is / harsh / eaten / some of the money / some of the proceeds / rights activists going nuts about this / judge / on the color of his fur / right / shocking / they are all nice / somewhere / we don't wanna go / this is / I mean / segregating cats next. / Do you know what I mean? / You should write for tabloids / in fact / get / profits / native red squirrels / yeah / that's it, yeah. / look / population / dwindle / keep / stuff like that / that's shocking. That is shocking / come / nuts / dig / up our roots

now then / gone / the dream of trousers / your wife / six books / eight dream books / six earlier / probably more than six / just / that / continuity of the podcast / is it / I don't know / more than / 90 / pair of shoes / no, no, that's not / get off, B___ / has she honestly got / Ime_da Marcos / 12 pairs / 90 / 180 shoes / is it because her feet / fluctuating in size / what / are they / the same size / same / in size / foot / terrible foot problem / inflating and deflating foot problem / sorry for / but / she's just greedy / to be honest / problem / you / in touch with her / she's come back / email / the dream of trousers foretells that / tempted to / dishonorable deeds / out / who is the master / you know / who / how can you say? Is anybody ... / dishonorable / you possibly make that / people / dreamt / see / make a correlation / watch a lot of 70's British comedy / tempted to do dishonorable deeds / you are, slightly / I am, at the moment. / everyone's always slightly tempted / could / right / dishonorable / right? I'm thinking it now / You got it? / do that / quite tempted / of course you are / I'm only human / you are only flesh and blood / flesh and blood / tempted / do / would you do this? / oh yeah / couldn't to that / filthy / that's fantastic. / Yeah / could I take photo at the same time? / no / read / no flash photography / the dream of trousers __ ... I / anybody's always tempted / I don't understand / that's rubbish / key part of my dream / is an unlucky omen / no / husbands / sweethearts will quarrel and __ each other in cremenation and recremenation / what's / know / work it out / heard / rubbish name for a rapper / it does, cremenation / get me / scissors is an unlucky / you see, now / this is part of / wife / rosy / two things. First of all / to do with coming into money / good thing. And also / Spanish / You haven't got a Spanish wife / I have / with 90 pairs of shoes / come over here / accumulated over the years / two pairs / that is / buying __ shoes / long / pairs / two kids, 90 pairs of shoes / lifestyle do you lead? / time / two kids / she must / pretty much constantly since you met her / every day / have to go / street / internet / of course / can / on the internet / how / supposed to know / fit properly? / that is a peril of buying anything online / it's / recently / quite what she wanted / that's the thing we / can you / you know what I meant / know / I meant, can you buy / know / can you get shoes on the internet / what is the internet? / It's like __, but posh / that's pretty much it / say / who / infidelity / explain / have they / if you dream about / scissors / infidelity / cutting bottoms of trousers off means / money / my friend / cut a pair of / trousers off / come into money / friend / be unfaithful to you / one of those two things / or both / find / you subconscious do that? / come into money, for a start? / how / know you're gonna / doesn't / como / como sabe / dondes / consia / que / ba / something like that / good / something like that / for now / terrible / close enough / better than you could do, listeners / us wrong / Spanish than me

If you've enjoyed / whole show? / BBC Radio Wales, 11 till 1. And don't forget "Ask Rhod Gilbert" / 10:45 / Wednesday nights.

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Sound source: http://www.bbc.co.uk/podcasts/series/rhod rhod_20111105-1647a.mp3